Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Breaking News! Nicole Richie & Christina Aguilera...

...were NEVER pregnant! There. I said it. Got that one off my chest. I mean, granted my statement hasn't the slightest empirical or scientific or even 'close friend' gossip credibility, and it is, admittedly borne out of EXTREME bitterness, but I just REFUSE to believe that not only did these gorgeous twig thin girls with 'pretend' baby bumps, look all glowy and pose NUDE (gasp) while pregnant, they had their babies before me!!! It's a conspiracy, I tell you. I wish them stretch marks and a thousand hemorrhoids for having the audacity to show me up. Just kidding. Well, a little, I guess.
As I am home and a tad bit bored, I decided to come up with a list of things that one should have to feel even a little human post partum.

Number One

is definitely, comfy, yet cool clothes. Take it from me, you will NOT be skinny when you come home from the hospital, so you might as well wrap your mind around it now. You will look at least 6 months pregnant, so plan to dress accordingly. Unless of course you are Nicole Richie. And then, that may not be a good thing, but I digress. In the first picture that's me, modelling one of my fun maternity Tshirts from my own line 'belliesbycalista" The website is still being worked on, but the Tshirts are available for sale directly from me. I have a long sleeved separate shirt cos it was cold and I chose not to wear the long sleeved version for some insane reason.

Number Two

Something to hold that deflated, wrinkly balloon like thing that your stomach will be after birth. Take it from a veteran mom, you will need all the support you can get. In many cultures, including mine, we bind the belly tightly until you almost pass out, and then bind it some more. No kidding. I was sucked into the slightly more civilized version by another celeb Brooke Burke. She has the most awesome abs I have ever seen and she has three kids! Working on kid number four right now. Anyway, she has the overpriced corset thing called 'Tummy Tauts' on her website which I bought. Of course, after I bought it, I found a million and one cheaper belly thingys on Plus, factor in the fact that Brooke's amazing figure probably has little to do with her belly wrap and more to do with, I dunno, her personal trainer, personal chef, good genes and what not, but I own it, nonetheless, and if doesn't work, you bet you'll be hearing from me.

Number Three

Something for your blotchy complexion and swollen capillary glands. Now I know you're thinking that I am over exaggerating, but I'm just being honest. Noone ever looks great after delivery- you just don't! What with being swollen from all the iv's, all the trauma takes its toll and you are literally "To' up from the flo' up" as they say. So even if the rest of you is not looking that great, you can at least give yourself a 15 minute facial courtesy of Clinique, so that you don't look crazy in those obligatory first photographs. I had to learn that one the hard way, trust me.

Number Four

A present for the new 'big brother' or sister, if it applies. This is necessary for your sanity, when the big brother starts freaking out at the hospital or tries to bite the baby. Even if your little one is an 'angel', it's just nice to have a little something for him. This 'new baby' thing is life changing for everyone.

Number Five

'Push Present' for the new Mother. I just heard about this new phenomenon sweeping the labor wards across America and I LOVE it! Reward the mother for the 'lease' of her weary uterus and the harrowing labor she is about to or has already gone through. It can be anything, but we prefer designer purses. Meet my new baby in fifth photo. WHAT???

Lastly, a few random pictures of things I think you should see, like my uber cute packaging for my maternity T shirts. Chinese food take out cartons! Oh, clever, clever, me! And there's another T shirt design in black. I know, I have to figure out this picture posting thing. I can't seem to rotate the pictures or get them into any kind of order, it's insane. But I will get better, just keep on reading. And commenting. Oh and tell your friends. :-)


Anonymous said...

Oh Chinwe, too funny...I like the idea of a present for 'the lease of my weary womb. That I can get into.

So how can we get the t shirts?

Am getting ready to be pregs again so...


PradaPrincipal said...

Hi Darling! Back home now? Email me at and I'll send you a brochure with all the different designs we have and those that are coming soon. I promise you, they are TOO too cute! How's Mr. Chubb Rock D?