Love is a numbers game.

I feel like I must preface this post (and perhaps, all future posts,) with this: Most of what I write is 'tongue-in-cheek'.  People are serious as a heart attack and  as literary as a school teacher these days. I can't write like that. I WON'T write like that. So now, take your critic hat off and enjoy the blog. *grin*

008 days to 007 Bond themed Valentine's day party. 

Ugh, 10 times the pressure. Not only do I have to look good for my husband on this 'special day', I also have to look good for random, possibly, 'judgy' strangers at this whole Gala thingy. Great.  Meaning terrible, actually, as I have gained a considerable amount of poundage since October last year - since we're doing numbers, 6.7 lbs to be exact - and definitely changed dress sizes- I've gone from a 004 to a 006. Whew, even I'm impressed by my openness in this blog post!

It was between these dresses: Yes, I had narrowed it down to 007 dresses (ironic, no?). I also quizzed at least 004 friends, roughly about 002 times apiece, if they were absolutely, positively, sure, they liked 'x' dress best.  And not one friend picked the same dress -ha!- so I was left with 005 choices - including my favorite.

I gamely got it down to 002 choices - one long and semi elegant, the other, short, sequinned and sassy. 'Which says Bond girl more to you?" I asked colleagues, friends and family - anyone who would care to listen, really. Sigh. By the time I had placed the order for the dresses, they only had the long dress in a 4 Petite!!  Scroll above for my updated dress size commentary. Of course, now, I had my heart set on wearing the long dress, since it was sort of 'unavailable' to me. It was the worst possible choice; with the low back, I couldn't wear a bra, how much more my much needed spanx!


Friday - 002 days to 007 Bond Party
 

 I decided to give the short, metallic sequinned dress a try. I texted my friend. "I look like an overweight  hooker." Her response "Bwhahahahaha!" I know, very helpful friend.

The black dress warranted another text. "I look like a fat sow." More laughter. Smh.
I wouldn't even show my dear husband my stomach. Plus the 4 Petite was way too short. Above my ankles, coupled with a slit, way, way up there. Tacky, tacky, tacky. It was ALL bad, y'all.

This is where having way too many clothes that you probably wear once and never again comes in handy. (Remember the tongue -in-cheek disclaimer up top, now). I had this long, dramatic fishtail skirt that I had only ever worn once - I had bought it in 2008, but it was a size 6 and had been slightly too big, so I'd never worn it again. Well, those extra pounds were good for something, apparently. HIPS!!

I decided to wear the *Yigal Azrouel 4P dress under the Chetta B skirt, and wouldn't you know it? Perfection! People couldn't even tell that it wasn't a dress. And since it was FREEZING that night, I also had a mini shrug, that created a 'cut-out' effect in the back. It came together really well, shockingly. Whew.

      The day wouldn't be complete without a smart comment from one of the kids would it, now? So real quick - I went to get my eyes done at MAC- I have never, and probably will never master the smokey eye technique - or eye make-up in general. She gave me a smokey eye with natural looking false lashes. I felt really glam, that is,  until Principessa cut me down to size. She literally jumped out of her skin when she saw me. I was like, 'Do you like my make-up?" to which she replied "You look creepy!".  Monkey boy was like, "That's not nice!" and Principessa tried to ease my hurt feelings with a hug and "No, I like it, you just look scary, that's all." Welp.  Principessa - 002, Mom- 000.

                                           *Principessa and scary Mom.

*Forgot the most important part - I have stopped buying dresses that I only wear once and forget about. If you attend a lot of events and rarely wear your black tie outfits again (I know I don't), I highly recommend Rent The Runway. It just makes sense. And here is my referral link - you get $20 off. 
http://refer.renttherunway.com/x/ASDHKY

Hope you all had a great Valentine's Day! (Shaken not stirred) pp

Have a Cookie...

Guess who can fit into her old skinny non stretch SIZE 4 PLAID pants again? Me! That's who! I capitalized the size 4 because size matters and is really, really important to me. Yes, I get fixated on numbers sometimes. The plaid, because, well everyone knows that Plaid just makes you look FAT, regardless (e.g see pictures above). That I actually wore them to work today means I didn't look too bad. Or didn't care. Either way, I fit - Yay! Months ago, I just knew I had lost all the 'baby weight' right? so I tried to fit into these here pants and seriously? They wouldn't even go past my knees. I kid you not. So I am shouting this from the rooftop of my blog. WOOT WOOT! And these are not your run of the mill, vanity sized pants, where everybody is a size zero (read:the gap). These are Cynthia Steffes with no stretch. The kind you have to put on with a shoe horn and pray that someone has a sewing kit nearby, just in case you get a tear in the- you catch my drift. So yeah, to celebrate this momentous occasion, I will be giving a one year Cookie Magazine subscription to one lucky reader who leaves a comment about their weight loss journey or even just to say 'Good job, Prada!'. If I get more than one response, I'll just have a raffle of sorts. (The entry ends on November 7th, so you have a week.)

I know I lost some of you at 'cookie'. Please, I am not trying to make everyone fat now that I have neared my weight loss goals. :-) Promise. Cookie magazine is simply a wicked awesome magazine for the chic, modern mama. It just rocks and is full of useful tips about everything. Granted, you may not be able to afford the $352 Burberry bib for your infant which complements the $1500 boots for you, but it's worth drooling over. And it is at no cost to you. So you have nothing to lose. Except maybe major cool points for actually admitting (gasp) that you read my blog. :)

P.s . How cute are those black and white oxfords, huh?

Have a 'sweet' day, pp

Ugly in Puerto Rico

Yes, that's me. I'm back with my tales of woe, but I will at least first start with the positive. I'm here, alive and well and my family and is great and blessed. And we were just in the breathtaking El Conquistador resort in San Juan, people! Talk about unparalleled beauty. Wow. Which brings me to my gripe. They say Brazil is the land of the beautiful people and I thought that was true until, well, I went to Puerto Rico. Where do I start? Everybody is beautiful. I know what you're thinking and I don't blame you cause it sounds implausible, right? Wrong. Every last person in San Juan is gorgeous. Everyone. From the teeny tiny chubby 'widdle ninos', to the lithe, incredibly evenly tanned (not nauseating orange Popsicle 'Sunset Tan' esque tans we are assuaged with in some parts stateside) girls, women, grandmas, boys, men.

Usually this would be a good thing, I mean, why not right? Except that it highlighted everything that yours truly was not. Like waxed, plucked, smooth skinned, taut gutted, stretch mark free, cellulite-who?, lush locked... the list is unending. I mean, I knew I wasn't looking my best, but I'm usually able to clean up pretty well, but JUST NOT IN PUERTO RICO. End of Story - I was out-dressed, out-'bikinied'(manner of speaking only, I wouldn't dare with these battle scars), out manicured, out done. And I concede, because truth be told, it is exhausting with two kids to keep up, even though I was surrounded by tons of gorgeous 'model-mamas', who must have all had their babies at twelve or maybe have great plastic surgeons. Yes, it's the hate talking. :-). Add insult to injury, someone actually asked me if I was expecting. I mean come on, people - I was wearing an empire waist dress, a little bloated maybe, but pregnant? Seriously? I had a 4 month old in a stroller! Okay, I can see why she would think that in the picture, but I don't have to feel good about it, y'know? Oh, and that is a Calista Clothiers Dress. Yes, I had to plug it - and Yellow is the new Black, people! Get Yours Here.

But PR was 'mahvellous dahlings' and I am now serious about my daily runs, breakfast of 'face greek yogurt' or oatmeal or egg white omelettes for the rest of my life or until I lose the weight, which ever comes sooner. There's nothing like being 'peer pressured' into fitness by the beautiful ones. Oh, and I will not skimp on the 'pedis' and facials anymore. It is not a luxury as I now know that I sorely NEED that stuff. I have pores ON MY PORES and that is so not hot. In any language. So I am signing off to go get beautiful. Gaze on my picture and feel better about yourself. p.s of course it's the best of the bunch, I'm not stupid, you know!

Ugly in Puerto Rico, pp

Starvation

A picture is worth a thousand words. I have two for ya - diet and deprivation. 'That' was actually my lunch a couple of days ago, as a result of spiraling out of control due to comments two ladies in church nonetheless, made about my expanding, um, assets. One of the ladies told me that I was putting on weight. I was incredulous. I just had a baby barely three months ago! I mean fine, I did gain more than I would have liked and the pounds are not exactly falling off, but three months is really not a lot of time, people! So the question is was she refering to my gaining weight from before I was pregnant? Well, duh. Last time I checked that was the deal. But you know how you never have the really smart comebacks until you've left the scene. Well there you go. So instead, I blog. And starve myself, eating 'barbie doll portions' of 'bad for you human food'. Like Ledo's pizza and chicken wings, with a carrot and celery to make it healthy. You know how we do.

Okay, Rant over and time for a review of a lip gloss that looks great, and is super affordable. Sally Hansen Diamond Slicks, available at your local drug store for less than six bucks. It goes on so smooth, is not sticky at all and smells/tastes great, in the best colors too! Me likey. Go get yours.

Skinny On the Inside

I have been having serious weight issues, more mental than anything else though. I have 'psychoanalysed' myself and I realise that I have been spoiled by the fact that I have never had to actually struggle with weight loss, fat, or any of that for that matter. In the good old days, I would basically just cut out bread or rice for two weeks and 'Bam!', enter 'the hotness'.
But after monkeyboy, um, not so much. I have basically only lost 25 pounds in two months. The other problem is well, I gained 43 lbs instead of the 25 I had gained with Numero Uno. Now who's bright idea was that one? I kinda got cocky I think, and now I am paying for it. In spades.

The weird thing is that I still feel skinny on the inside. Like when I tried to fit into my black velvet, soft like butter, size 4 'alice & olivia' skinny pants, I was momentarily confused when they wouldn't go past my thighs. Sigh. I don't get it. I have been kicked out of the 'skinny bitches club' and I stand here, nose smushed on window pane, wistfully looking in. "I wanna play too!" Yes, I do have the flair for the dramatic, don't I? But then I look down at monkeyboy, who is almost always inevitably cradled in my arms, and you know what? It's worth it. And you can take that to the bank.
xoxo,
the matronly prada principal

I'm Baaack! (and I'm still HOT!)

Yeah, it's me, as modest as ever (please excuse my messy closet) I am still wondering what the statistics are on the survival rate and quality of life of moms (especially working moms) with two or more kids under three is. I mean, this is ridiculous - there are not enough hours in the day for ANYTHING, and I literally mean, anything. Even say, a load of laundry. And I am fortunate enough to have a live in nanny and my number one son does preschool, monday through friday, but I still am overwhelmed. Jesus take the wheel, cos my driving these days sure does suck, if you know what I mean.

So on thursday, just as I was about to start pulling my hair out, I (wisely) opted for professional services instead and had it cut into a short, slightly angled bob, which is, I hate to admit, slightly a la Katie Holmes. Nothing against Katie, but I consider myself an original. Please allow me my delusions. I am inching my way gradually to cutting it really short, like how I had it some five years ago, but my face is still too fat. So the bob, which is like four, five inches shorter than my previous bob will have to suffice for now. I have lost 21 pounds in three weeks post partum, so I am proud of myself. What sucks is the fact that I still have 23 more to go. I am wearing those Au bon pain bagels and starbucks lattes I had during my pregnancy on my belly, butt and thighs. I have got to get my workout on. Like yesterday. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still hot. Just grossly fat. :(

ttyl, PP

Countdown to D-day

So everyone who knows me knows that I really wanted a baby girl this time. I have made no secret about this and I even went as far as purchasing cute little onesies (in pink of course) to let my hubby know that we were 'preggers' again. I mean, I was convinced I was having a girl - how could I not be? I love my son, but I am such a girly girl, it's ridiculous! She would wear pink and lavender constantly and I'd have her scheduled for her first mani-pedi by age two. We would bake heart shaped cookies with pink sprinkles for Daddy on valentines day, we'd go shopping for little tutus and all those ridiculously impractical things that they sell for silly moms like me to buy, because, you know we are really buying them not for our precious daughters, but for our inner little girlie girl. Plus when you wore three sets of hand-me-downs, you can be excused, right?

I thought I'd show you guys some more of the really cool designs we have at 'bellies'. Right now I have just the 'preggers in the city' in short sleeve black and 'epidurals anonymous' in short and long sleeve white available, but as demand picks up - I need at least 10 orders per design, I'll roll out more, promise.**Never mind. Blogger doesn't let me upload pdfs. Sooo ridiculous, I know - but I'll figure another way out soon.**

So, how does one go from this (5/6 weeks pregnant) to that (39 weeks 6 days, yikes) ? (I'm still working on those picture links, y'all - but I think you'll know which pictures go with what comment.) I am just pathetically FAT and I can't even blame it on the baby. I am eating EVERYTHING in sight? Little man's leftovers, 2 breakfasts (one at 2 am when I can't sleep, the other when I'm up for the day), it's truly a sight to see. So I guess I answered my own question, huh? Y'all need to pray for me!

P.S It's snowing - truly beautiful (when you are viewing it warm and snug, from your bathroom window:-))

smooches.

PP